One of the things that we talk about to each and every one of our couples counseling and therapy clients is that they are their own unique individual. They have their strengths, their weaknesses, their passions, and their preferences.
Over the course of everyone’s life, they’re going to find that they have these issues with themselves that they have never fully addressed. Some of them are traits or experiences – such as making more money, or being able to speak a foreign language. Others are not quite so clear, as people may have self-doubts, self-confidence around various topics, and more – all in ways they cannot completely identify.
It’s normal to have these holes in yourself that you want to address. But what can happen is that, instead of addressing these holes directly, a person may seek out an external source. When that happens, the result is typically a hole that remains unfilled, with the individual – and others – possibly worse off along the way.
How Some People Cover Up Their Holes
What we often see in our therapy sessions is that someone will have an issue with themselves, and never completely addresses it. An example might be someone with an abandonment issue because their father left them at a young age.
Rather than address that specific hole, they may instead seek out relationships with others that they feel will fulfill their abandonment needs. For example, they may cling to someone that isn’t able to give them what they want, or they may seek out relationships from multiple partners hoping to feel less abandoned and more desirable.
Some people do this with goals as well. Unable to come to terms with, say, a feeling of low self-worth, they may create goals designed to get them more money (which they equate to more value) rather than address those low self-worth feelings.
Creating a Whole Self by Identifying and Addressing Our Missing Pieces
Most of us are missing things from our life that we wish we had, felt, or could achieve. In order to live the most fulfilling life possible, it becomes important not only to try to identify what those are, but also to make sure that we’re addressing them in the most appropriate way.
If we try to essentially cover up those needs through relationships, or we waste time on goals that won’t help us, we won’t be able to achieve that fulfillment. But if we are able to figure out what those needs are and work within ourselves to fill them, we should give ourselves a better chance at finding the happiness and personal triumphs that we seek from our lives.